NIGHTMARES

I woke this morning (finally) thinking I was going to blog something about the horrific night I had and the worst nightmare of my life that should probably be made into a book. Then reality started to set in, and that ridiculous thought was abandoned when I read my first email from my editor saying that her husband was hit by a car while crossing the street and was now in ICU with skull and vertebral fractures, which apparently is only the beginning of the story. I was hoping it was still part of my own nightmare, but it’s not. My heart goes out to you, Kathie.

So, as you can see my sleep is still not ideal. I didn’t go to bed until nearly 11. Yes, I felt sleepy, but once my head hit the pillow – nothing. I waited a couple of hours. I know that lying in bed awake is not following the rules. Experts say that if you are not asleep in half an hour, to get up and do something you enjoy. My brain says, “NO!! I’m here and I don’t want to get up! I want some sleep, Goddamit!!” So, I took half of a Kirkland Sleep Aid (diphenhydramine) that Kathy brought down for me. I fell asleep, but, as I said, I found myself in the depths of a horrible nightmare. I forced myself awake at one point, sat up and tried to stay awake, but I failed and re-entered the same nightmare – twice! I sit here now, at 11:15 am, still groggy and admonishing myself that I must return to playing by the rules.

I’ve also been thinking about what Tolle and Spira say about sleep and the longing to fall into its sweet embrace. It’s like a break we get from the work of thinking and perceiving.

Spira says sleep is like the lens of a camera that loses focus. When we are awake the lens is acutely focused on experiences and perceptions. When we are asleep the lens is allowed to relax and lose focus, only to return to acuity in its next cycling. In deep sleep there is an absence of thought and therefore an absence of ego, just pure consciousness.

Deep sleep is not the absence of awareness; it is the awareness of absence. Awareness (consciousness) is always present, always aware. I find it ironic that in deep sleep we are pure consciousness, whereas by traditional terms we would be said to be unconscious.

I must post an edit to my blog from yesterday. I said that someone was ostracized from “the gang.” I have discovered that this is not true. As with most conflicts in relationships, it is messier than that. I know I can’t fix it. It is best for me to bow out. I am a firm believer that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I don’t want to get myself sick over this. I can only hope that love wins.